Baby “stuff”

Since you all responded to my post so quickly I am going to post again, lest you do think I got kidnapped by a band of WI gypsies.  (I think our neighbor is one, he drinks Milwaukee’s Best)

In those comments, dear Jaybird asked if we have bought anything for the baby yet.  In short, YES!  Purchasing things for our BB has been a bit more difficult that one may imagine.  I think there are two reasons for this: (a) I almost have a panic and/or tear attack when I walk into Babies R’ Us and equivalent stores (b) What the heck do you buy for a child who you do not know their gender, age, or size?  We have been collecting books for while and have received some gracious gifts in that category from friends & family, including Jaybird & her Canadian.  Other than that, I have been to “a few” boutique baby stores and look at the slings, toys, and onesies, but I usually leave empty handed, about to cry, or with something benign and practical like a cloth diaper.   Who knew that Bunnyloves & Fuzzibuns could be so anticipated…..I am actually excited to buy diapers, but again I have no idea what my kid will “prefer,” so even my practical options are difficult to select.

So, back to The Purchase, but first a little history.  This past Christmas some friends wanted to buy us a jog stroller.  The “she” in the couple researched the options and saw how saturated and specialized this market was so instead they gave us a sizable GC to REI.  When our dividend came a few months ago, we threw it in the desk draw on top of the GC and sighed that some day we would be able to buy a jog stroller. “Ah, someday we will have a need for that purchase,” we commiserated.

Then, some of our friends, who are also expecting a baby through adoption about the same time we are, bought a jog stroller.  It was as if someone told us that now it is OK to start making purchases, so we too went ahead and placed our order for this gracious gift from our dear ad lady & law boy friends.  Then, I started looking at cribs, rugs, ergo/sling/carriers - and now I am planning the baby’s room; a loosely based lion theme inspired by this fabric.  I have not been back to the mega baby stores to see if my panic and tears have subsided, but I think this purchase may have been the perfect medicine.

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On a related note…….we had the strolled shipped to the REI near us and went to pick it up two weeks ago.  We bought the pouting poodle, stopped at Target, and then went to pick up our new patio chairs that came in.  Sitting in the parking lot of the furniture store we really had to problem solve to fit all of these items in or on our vehicle.  Fortunately we are both masters at tetris and bungeed the stroller to the top of the car, slid in two unassembled Adirondack chairs, a 75 pound poodle, 4 grocery bags and we even had room for a large takeout pizza.  Can you tell I am resisting the minivan?

Yesterday was more than tax day

Yesterday marked the 5th month of our “official” wait for a referral.  For the most part, 5 months has gone by rather fast.  Other than mentioning it to M. early in the day and having him shrug back at me unimpressed the day got little acknowledgment.

When I say the wait has gone fast, I mean for the most part it has gone by fast.  I still find time between meetings, training, and social engagements to obsess over whether or not we will receive a referral before court closure cutoff which is approximately June 15th.  When we turned in our dossier back in November the current wait was 5 -7 months, and since the cut off date was the longest time frame in our wait window, we knew thought we would get a referral late spring and travel in the summer.  But now since the cutoff date of June 15th no longer marks the longest estimated wait time, but rather 7 months of our wait, we sit on the cusp of court closure which halts referrals for the 4 - 8 weeks that correlate with court closure in Ethiopia.  I can continue to explain and you will scan to the bottom and comment politely that you hope the wait goes by fast, or I can summarize, in which you may still do the same, but at least I will not have wasted my energy explain something that may not hold true anyway.

In summary, for those of you asking when we will receive a referral, my current answer is:  “Families are currently receiving referrals in their 8th month of waiting, so we will either receive a surprise referral in late June or it will be September.”  I may even quote the very nice response sent our way from our program specialist when I inquired about our time frame on April 3rd:

I agree with previous program specialist that we can’t predict if you will receive a referral before court closure.  To give you a sense of where you are in comparison to others, families who submitted a dossier in mid-July are currently at the “top of the list” for receiving the referral of an infant.

 

The timeline for court closure is never predictable, and we often don’t have much information to provide families as to when exactly courts will reopen, or when we will begin presenting referrals again. Our thoughts at this time are that we will stop presenting referrals in mid-June (June 15 is the tentative cut-off) in preparation for the court closure.  Courts are typically closed form early August through early October.  In preparation for courts to reopen, we hope to begin presenting referrals again in early September and will pick up where we left off on “the list.”

 

We estimate that families will travel 12-16 weeks after accepting a referral; 12 weeks seems to be the typical time frame for most families right now. 

 

I appreciate the desire to have better information to plan with, and I wish that I could be more precise with my responses.  I hope that this information gives you some sense of direction.  Let me know if you have other questions or concerns.

If I left out the court closure part of my response above, then you will ask, “Why June or September, but not July or August?”  To which I will reply  the courts close in Ethiopia during the rainy season so to prevent families getting a referral and not making it through court before closure and having to wait more than the already 3 MONTH wait after referral to travel and pick up their child, our agency chooses to stop giving referrals in a time-frame that correlates with court closure.?

If you are still engaged at this point you may follow-up with questions like, “Courts close completely?” or “Isn’t the lengthening time-frame frustrating?” or “How can you plan?”, to which I answer, “Yes, Yes/No, There is little concrete planing in adoption.”

I feel as if I am waddling through my 9th month of pregnancy lately because I did tell people that we would be hearing something late spring. Although I kind of knew this may be a possibility becasue waiting and adoption are tight buddies, it just seemed a little easier to grasp spring/summer rather than fall/winter because it was at the time less than a year away.  Even though I may not know anything new, I don’t mind being asked, and actually enjoy talking about it because I have learned how many people are so incredibly excited for us.  Just think how fun it will be to share the news.  Perhaps I should start posting more in anticipation, huh?

The Suspension of Birth Family Contact: reactions part1

After reading through the letters above, we were shocked to say the least. There are so many directions I want to go with this post and my reactions, so rather than ramble on and on, I am going to try to break it down into a few succinct posts. Therefore, if I do not cover something today, don’t assume I won’t get to it tomorrow, but at the same time feel free to ask your questions and then perhaps I will be sure to follow them into further thought.

One of the main reasons we chose the Ethiopia program was the possibility of maintaining a contact or relationship with our child’s familial relations. Granted, there is a possibility that our child may be abandoned and we would not have this opportunity anyway, but if you review the 2007 CHSFS placement stat’s there is a decent chance, 85%, that our child will have at least one parent living or was relinquished. Of the 306 children adopted through CHSFS in 2007, 47 were abandoned, 190 have 1 or no living parent (may have extended family), and 69 were relinquished. Just for clarification, the definition of relinquishment is: a voluntary consent to the termination of one’s parental rights. Also, even in the cases of abandonment, there remains a possibility to connect with who found the child or even temporarily cared for them.

The issues that sparked the letter above seem to lie with the majority of Ethiopia adoptions. I know I am stating the obvious since there would have to be a birth family to meet for there to be a problem with the meetings, but there may be a slight difference if a child was relinquished or if they fit in the 0 or 1 living parent category. The real hang up seems to be in the definition of an orphan. I will come back to this point in a future post when I discuss the possible cultural misunderstandings. It is an important point, but was one I came to after lots of contemplation and discussion with our diversity staff where I work.

There are many reasons why birth family contact is important. Some of these reasons I admit I may not even have thought of since I am not the lucky bearer of a referral. Even though we are seeking an infant referral, our child will have a life before they came to our family. They will have a family that most likely loves them very much. This love does not dissolve when a child is placed for adoption. If fact, it is often quite the opposite, a child is often placed for adoption out of the purest form of love. Their family may not be able to care for them, to feed them, or they may be terminally ill. These are all issues that can be hard to grasp from a western experience where even at our most desperate state, survival for women and children doesn’t involve not having access to any food or shelter. I am not saying these situations do not exist here in the US, they certainly do, but in a very different proportion. If our child leaves their born culture in Ethiopia shouldn’t they still have access to that familial love that still exists, perhaps even have the opportunity to reciprocate?

There is no doubt in my mind that at some point our answers as to why our child came to be part of our family will no longer suffice. This can manifest itself in many ways, most likely based around questioning and further searching for clues surrounding identity. We do not plan on keeping any secrets from our child, but rather weaving together their story in familiar pieces that are never sprung just explained in greater detail, if detail is available. There will be questions that I may not know the answer to. There may be questions our child’s birth family may not know the answer to, but having the opportunity to fill in the blanks is a gift for all parties involved. Perhaps we may need to find some of these answers together - all parties involved. I will admit that the possibility of maintain birth family contact was a security blanket for us while adopting a child internationally. Selfishly, I was cold when this blanket was ripped away. How would we help our child understand without this tool? I later came to realize that we would be fine, but our child is the one to suffer. This is their family, their memories, their experiences. Through assumption our child’s family becomes our family and together we all lose. Who can determine that just because a family may exist our child is not an orphan? Or not an orphan yet?

I guess this is where I am going to end it for today. This decision has complex consequences, as is evident by my ramblings above, but I can not help but wonder how I would feel if I had a referral in hand. If I had a child, with a story, and with parents, I think I would be very angry. Angry that some hang-up in terminology would prevent me and my child from connecting with those who may love them dearly. Out of that love they had the courage to allow me to parent their child. Shouldn’t I at least have the opportunity and respect to thank them for that?

Suspension of Birth Family Contact, Part 1: the e-mails

About 3 weeks ago we received this e-mail from CHSFS:

January 23, 2008
Effective immediately, CHSFS is suspending any birth family meetings and all ongoing contact between adoptive and birth families (including Post Adoption Intermediary Services). This is in direct response to statements made recently by the US Embassy in Addis Ababa citing the Immigration and Nationality Act (INA) of 1989; regarding orphan status, irrevocable relinquishment and termination of birth family rights.

These concerns aside, this decision to suspend the adoptive parent-birth family meetings is in contrast with what is generally accepted standards of adoption law and practice in the US. It is generally believed that such communication is in the best interests of the adopted child. CHSFS Vice President of Adoption Services, David Pilgrim, will be going to Ethiopia along with several other agency leaders and Tom DiFilipo, the President of the Joint Council on International Children’s Services (JCICS), the largest organization advocating for families and children to discuss the situation. However, this is seen as an issue between the Consular Section of the Department of State and any inter-country adoption program. JCICS and CHSFS will continue to work with Consular Section staff toward a resolution of this situation.

CHSFS sincerely regrets this change as we believe our practice, based on over a century of adoption experience is in the best interests of the adopted child, their family as well as their birthparents.

Regards,

A  few days later we received this follow-up: 

CHSFS Ethiopia Program
January 25, 2008
As you are aware, CHSFS has suspended the CHSFS adoptive parent visits in Ethiopia with their child’s birth parents and intermediary contact between adoptive families and birth families. We have taken this step because the US Government has raised the question that under the US immigration laws any contact between the American adoptive parents and the Ethiopian birth parents COULD POSSIBLY be used as evidence that the birthparents had not or did not feel they totally and irrevocably ended all right to the child for which they had made an adoption plan. As CHSFS developed our adoption program in Ethiopia, we felt that it was in the best interest of the adopted child to give a full background history of all that is known and to facilitate a voluntary visit between the adoptive parents and the birth parents AFTER the birth parents’ legal rights were terminated and AFTER the adoption was finalized under Ethiopian law. This was the practice as well of other US agencies in Ethiopia providing adoption services. At no time was any money or support between the adoptive and birth parents encouraged or allowed.
We and the other adoption agencies have now received notice from the US Consulate in Ethiopia which calls into question this practice of facilitating voluntary visits between adoptive and birth families under current US immigration law. The US Consulate Officer in Ethiopia was pleased that CHSFS sought permission to share this notice with our families- which is offered below.
Please know that CHSFS is working with the US officials in Ethiopia and the US for a clarification on this issue. We will have high level staff members in Ethiopia all of next week working this issue. We ask that you do not contact your congressional officeholders as we need time to confer with US officials directly.
US Consulate Notice
TO: Adoption Agencies in Ethiopia
FROM: Consular Section Chief Paul Cantrell
RE: Ensuring that adoptive children qualify as orphans
The staff of our Consular Section appreciates your effort and cooperation in making inter-country adoptions possible for American citizen parents. I am writing to bring to your attention an issue that is of the greatest importance to successfully concluding inter-country adoptions for American parents. I want to make sure that you and your staff members are fully aware of the requirements that adoptive children truly qualify as orphans.
American citizens coming to Ethiopia to adopt children will in most cases come to the Embassy to apply for an IR-3 or IR-4 immigrant visa for the child. In order for a child to qualify for either an IR-3 or IR-4 immigrant visa, the child must qualify as an “orphan” as defined by section 101(b)(1)(F) of the Immigration and Nationality Act (INA).
As part of the inter-country adoption process, it is the responsibility of the consular officer to review the circumstances by which the child became available for adoption and to confirm that the child qualifies as an “orphan” as defined by section 101(b)(1)(F). This step in the process is accomplished when the consular officer approves the I-600 Petition to Classify Orphan as an Immediate Relative and is confirmed through the officer’s completion of Form I-604, Request for and Report on Overseas Orphan Investigation.
If the child does not qualify as an “orphan” as defined in the INA, the officer cannot approve the I-600 petition and an immigrant visa for the child cannot be approved.
For this reason it is absolutely essential that all adoption agencies that are coordinating adoptions for American citizen parents be fully aware of the definition of “orphan” as stipulated in the INA. Agencies must be absolutely certain that a child qualifies as an “orphan” according to the INA before matching that child with American adoptive parents. If agencies are unsure whether a child qualifies as an “orphan” as defined by the INA, they should not assign that child to American adoptive parents until it can be confirmed that the child does qualify. A consular officer does not have the authority to approve an IR-3 or IR-4 immigrant visa for an adopted child unless the child qualifies as an “orphan,” as defined by the INA. If agencies have questions about this concept or about an individual case, they are welcome to contact the Consular Section for assistance.
Agencies are urged to review the following information, which is provided as clarification of how a child may qualify as an “orphan” according to the INA.
According to U.S. immigration law, a child may qualify as an orphan because either:
(a) The child has no parents because of the death or disappearance, abandonment, or desertion by, or separation from or loss of both parents (9 FAM 42.21 N13.2-4 and 9 FAM 42.21 N13.2-5); or
(b) The child’s sole or surviving parent is incapable of providing proper care and has, in writing, irrevocably released the child for emigration and adoption (9 FAM 42.21 N13.2-4 and 9 FAM 42.21 N13.2-6).
Of particular interest here is (a): “the child has no parents.” U.S. immigration law recognizes six ways in which a child might lose his/her parents and qualify as an “orphan.” An orphan may have no parents due to any combination of the following six reasons: death, disappearance, abandonment, desertion, separation or loss.
Of these six reasons, the one that appears to cause the most confusion among adoptions in Ethiopia is “abandonment.” According to U.S. immigration law, “abandonment” means that the parents have willfully forsaken all parental rights, obligations, and claims to the child, as well as all control over and possession of the child, without intending to transfer, or without transferring, these rights to any specific person(s).
Abandonment must include not only the intention to surrender all parental rights, obligations, and claims to the child, and control over and possession of the child, but also the actual act of surrendering such rights, obligations, claims, control, and possession. A child who is placed temporarily in an orphanage should not be considered to be abandoned if the parents express an intention to retrieve the child, are contributing or attempting to contribute to the support of the child, or otherwise exhibit ongoing parental interest in the child.
Further, U.S. immigration law clarifies that a relinquishment or release by the parent(s) to the prospective adoptive parents or for a specific adoption does not constitute “abandonment.” Similarly, the relinquishment or release of the child by the parent to a third party for custodial care in anticipation of, or preparation for, adoption does not constitute “abandonment” unless the third party (such as a governmental agency, a court of competent jurisdiction, an adoption agency, or an orphanage) is authorized under the child welfare laws of the foreign-sending country to act in such a capacity. A child released to a government-authorized third party, however, could be considered to have been abandoned even if the parent(s) knew at the time that the child would probably be adopted by a specific person or persons, so long as the relinquishment was not contingent upon adoption by a specific person or persons.
I have emphasized the items above in italics to remind agencies that the Embassy cannot approve IR-3 and IR-4 immigrant visas for children adopted from intact families who have given up their children because of, or contingent upon, some expectation that:
• the adoptive parents will provide some financial support to the natural parents
• the adoptive parents will be willing to provide information about the child to the natural parents
• the child will be of some benefits to the natural parents at some point in the future
Recently, some agencies have indicated that they routinely attempt to arrange meetings between adoptive parents and a child’s natural parents. While such meetings might provide certain advantages, agencies should be aware that meetings with the natural parents may in some cases be interpreted as evidence of the natural parents’ “ongoing parental interest in the child,” and as such may invite additional scrutiny by consular officers when reviewing the I-600 petition on behalf of such a child.
To avoid confusion and ensure that agencies are fully aware of all requirements of U.S. immigration law, consular officers will be arranging to meet individually with adoption agencies in the coming weeks. We are most interested in learning how agencies acquire the children who are matched with American adoptive parents and in helping agencies avoid matching any children who would not qualify as “orphans” according to the INA.
I appreciate your cooperation in the endeavor and invite your questions, comments, and suggestions about how we can work together to improve the integrity of the inter-country adoptions process.
Regards,
Paul Cantrell
Consular Section Chief
U.S. Embassy, Addis Ababa
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Scott Driskel
Vice Consul
U.S. Embassy Addis Ababa

 Tomorrow I will comment on all this.

Spinning

With the lapse if time between my posts, you would almost assume the wait is going by swiftly and without reason for write.

Yeah, wouldn’t that be swell.

Today is 3 months. Three long months. Three very long months. I has not helped that we submitted our dossier right before Thanksgiving when the clock was ticking fast and would continue to tick away till we threw out the 2007 calendars. January & February are remarkably long and dark in MN. Our social calendars have been booming and we commiserate that we are swamped at work, but even the distractions can not draw attention from the obvious. Quite a bit has happened on the adoption front, but evening finding the energy and time to write about it lately has been a challenge and an additional reminder that this is a long energy sucking process.

The two most substantial changes are the suspension of birth family contact and the extended wait which may push our referral out till after the court closure.  I will write about both more extensively this weekend, but for now I am enjoying the mood lift of a sunny and warm February day.  Tomorrow is supposed to snow, cloud over, and whip us with a wind chill reminder that it is still winter.  I will save those posts for tomorrow when my assumed mood will correlate with the topic.

Adoption is a strange process.  Not a bad strange, but just unlike anything I will most likely ever experience.  It is a suspended happiness.  A true grass is greener situation where we will be happier when we add to our family.  Don’t misunderstand me, we do live everyday to the fullest and really are appreciating this stage of our family, but for the past 5 years we have existed on a precarious slope teetering between the extremes of emotions and anticipating living.  After a few years of squatting, we made this home.  We were refuges who knew we would never go back to the way it was but also didn’t know where our ticket out would take us.  Now we have the ticket, we know the path, but again we do not have any control over the process.  As I will half sleeping through a 6am spin class this week, I closed my eyes and really tried to imagine that I was not sitting on a bike in a room reminiscent of a one-sided hall of mirrors. I wished the industrial fans were rather trade winds and the lingering stank of sweat was instead the salt of the ocean.  When the instructor called out that a huge hill was ahead I was taken from my happy place.  Adoption makes you feel like you are spinning your wheels constantly.  You crank through one part only to realize there are many huge hills ahead.  I do close my eyes and imagine our family, perhaps even our family on a warm winter vacation where I enjoy every moment of chasing a busy toddler across a sandy beach.  For now, though, I spin away.

Perhaps someday I can trade the bike for a jog stroller. Until then, I will have to close my eyes and imagine.

Perspective

Yesterday was the celebration of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  He is a truly amazing man who overcame tremendous obstacles and preached about the importance of inclusion and equality.  It is wonderful that a day is set aside for him in January, but even on that very day people fail to take the time to remember his message and look at how we can incorporate it further into our character.  Guilty as charged, I found myself sitting at my personal pity party late in the afternoon and perusing the Internet for his quotes.  I came across one that stuck more than an inspirational chord with me.

An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

To better explain, yesterday was a day of pregnancy announcements.  I am for the most part genuinely happy to hear of others good fortune and even if my pain of infertility does rise up, I can usually quell it by thinking about the amazing process we are undergoing to add a child to our family.  I do have a difficult time though, when I congratulate another on their good fortune and then endure an earful of complaints about the symptoms, cost of raising a child, and coordination of leave.  It becomes very difficult to be happy for someone who has something you tried unsuccessfully and at great expense to achieve.

I left the conversation very angry and frustrated.  It was exacerbated when I was later included in a conversation of wedding anniversaries.  When I added that M. & I have been married for 6 going on 7 years and was hit with the “isn’t it about time you start popping out kids” response, my jaw dropped.  I had little strength left to rattle out a snarky rebuttal, or even kindly say that were are in fact expecting.  Rather, I sarcastically stated “you think so…” and excused myself from the conversation rather abruptly.  I then retreated to my office and threw myself a pity party.  It didn’t last long though, Dr. King’s words really spoke to me yesterday afternoon.

The past 4 1/2 years have been incredibly hard on me emotionally.  I have attended many person pity parties that have lasted for months.  I do not judge or regret my behavior - it the the natural and even healthy response to grief and loss.  Whether it is a divorce, change of job, move, or realization, I have visited many friends in Pityville.  Some stay there for a while, others visit, and some come back for a short weekend occasionally.  What I realized yesterday while reading Dr. King’s words is that he was much more wise than his brave and bold actions and well crafted speeches, he had a solid grasp on perspective.  On his day of commemoration, I can rise above my own personal pain and view the greater good.  In the next year, a very loved child will join our family.   We will rise above our personal loss and pain and they will come to us having done the same. Acoording to Dr. King, we are readly to start living.

Protected: Bureaucratic BS

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The password

Don’t panic - I have not locked you out  - just trying out the password function.  I have a bureaucratic assessment commentary after our last appointment and I want to honestly report without fear of who may be reading (aka Georg.e B.ush).

Just a reminder, the password is my maiden name.  If you do not know my maiden name, e-mail me at enat.eshururu@gmail.com and I will send it to you provided you are not the above mentioned individual.

I will have the post up later today with the list of questions/ideas you all helped me compose.

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Awaken from blogless sleep

It has been almost a month since my last post.  Little has changed on the adoption front - still continuing to wait.  We did turn in our I600A (Advance Petition for Orphan Processing) and were notified via mail of our biometrics appointment on January 8th.  Once that is completed it will be a long wait until we hear anything new.

To pass the time I find myself scouring Ethiopian Adoption Blogs and staring longingly at recently adopted children. They are beautiful and I stalk them with a loving adoration. I am obsessed with learning about families first meetings and get a little teary eyed when I hear their story.  Most often it goes like this….arrived at Guest House, slept, woke up and went to Care Center, met child.  People seem to have few words to describe what I am picturing as one of the most eventful moments of my life.  Why do these matter of fact stories make me tear up?  Perhaps I am projecting myself on an others experience, but it seems as if there is just more to the story than that parent is able to tell.  I can already imagine how I will be feeling; the experience itself will open a Pandora’s box of anticipation, love, closure, excitement, fear, new beginnings, and well just about anything you can stick a label on.  In anticipation I seek to prepare myself for that which is unpredictable.

In addition to stalking, I decided to pass the time by training for another marathon.  The training schedule I used for the last marathon was 18 weeks, and for those of you not marking up every calendar in your home with our wait time calculations, I will spell it out for you.

We started our official 6 - 9 month wait on November 16th, 2007.  The marathon I am soon starting to train for is on May 17th, 2008.  For those of you still not following, that is almost 6 months to the day from our dossier submission.  Once I complete my May 17th marathon, we are in the current projected window of referral time.  Only after that day will change my response to the question, “when will you find out more about your baby?” from early summer to ANY DAY NOW.  Those three words will only be trumped by, “our travel date is _____.”

Now that 2008 is fast approaching and we most likely experienced our last Christmas without gifts to a specific human child under our tree, I hope to post more. 

Hold me to it…really.  BTW, my other site has succumbed to a post-less existence.